On Relationships

A very good friend of mine, Ola, recently sent a book to me: Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder. I'm working slowly through it; slowly, because it's really a brief history of philosophy more than a fictional story, and I've always had to read philosophy slowly to make sure I understood it. At the start of the story, a mysterious philosopher sends Sophie little envelopes with riddles written inside, like "Why is Lego the perfect toy?" and so forth. These questions prepare Sophie for what follows; in this example, the philosopher then introduces her (and us) to Democritus and the atomic theory.

Well, now I feel a lot like Sophie myself. At the end of a recent email, Ola wrote

"Do you believe in a once-in-a-lifetime love or do you rather think that a happy relationship is a matter of goodwill?"

Email has taken the place of the envelope, but the theory is the same, and I've been stuck on this question all day. I'm going to try and answer it now, but since I've been brought up to believe in the power and necessity of empirical evidence, I'm not simply going to give you my gut reaction.

On Love
I would love to believe in the power of love, and that for every single one of us, there is a matching partner in the world; all that we have to do is find this one special person, our soulmate, and then the rest of our lives will be spent in perpetual bliss. It is a reassuring story we tell ourselves, much like we tell children that there's an Easter Bunny and Father Christmas. As we grow older, we find that the chances of finding this special person have diminished greatly. But some people do genuinely seem very happy in their relationships. When both partners in a couple can honestly say that they love the other, then that is exactly what Ola's talking about. So how does it happen? Can it last, and can it overcome all difficulties?

One theory doing the rounds is the idea that love is an addiction. Two scientists at UCL scanned the brains of people in love, and found that the areas most active didn't correspond to the areas active during other emotions, such as anger and fear. In fact, the closest similarity is to a person doing drugs. In her book, Why We Love, Helen Fisher concludes that

"[R]omantic passion is... hardwired into our brains by millions of years of evolution. It is not an emotion; it is a drive as powerful as hunger."

Scientific research, then, would seem to suggest that this once-in-a-lifetime kind of love does exist, and exists for a reason. Fisher goes into more detail than I can here, obviously, and also talks about the different forms that 'love' can take. The original article linked to above is well worth reading; it is, I think, reprinted from The Economist magazine.

On the happy relationship
I'm sure that science can go a long way towards explaining why love is possible in the first place - how it happens, and why - but human beings are far too complex for a simple chemical analysis to determine what will happen for the rest of the relationship. For those of us who, in the first place, don't find that special someone, and perhaps decide to settle for a person we merely 'like', then how likely is the relationship to succeed?

My reading suggests that a good relationship, perhaps one based on goodwill as much as love, has as much of a chance to succeed as one based on romantic love, going on Dr Fisher's definition. My search for information led me to The Gottman Institute.

Dr John Gottman has been studying human relationships for longer than I have been alive, and he's now quite good at it. The website describes his means of operation:

"By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not."

If a relationship can be studied, it makes sense to say that a relationship can be managed and made to work.

On the answer to Ola's question

I don't think I've answered Ola's question here at all. I've looked at some of the evidence that suggests that romantic love is primarily all about chemistry, and how all relationships need management to survive, whether they are based on love or not. But I think Ola is also asking another pair of questions that need to be answered before any of this other discussion can take place: is it possible to find and fall in love with someone who also falls in love with you? If not, is it possible to find someone you can imagine managing a relationship with, to the general benefit of both partners?

For the latter situation, I really can't say. I'm hoping that it is possible, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I am looking for someone to share my life with, but I have very few expectations about falling in love and having that love returned to me. I have fallen in love before (I think romantically, but I'll have to re-examine my feelings in light of today's reading), but only a handful of women have found me attractive, and part of falling in love is, chemically and from an evolutionary standpoint, concerned with attractiveness.

We'll have to see. I'm very glad that Ola has put this question to me. I've had to think very hard about my reaction, and I've had a reason to do some reading outside of my usual interests; plus, it's been a while since I wrote anything that was actually meant to make sense.

Further Reading
If you're interested, here's a review of Helen Fisher's book. For more about Dr Gottman in the context I originally discovered him, read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink