On How Minesweeper is a Metaphor for Women

Minesweeper
Originally uploaded by soylentgreen23.

I've played Minesweeper a lot recently - arguably too much, but now that my scores are as good as I'll ever get them, I'll stop before my boss catches me - and I'm startled to discover just how much it says about how to deal with women.

Bearing in mind this is all just theory, here are some rules:

• If you go too quickly you'll make a silly mistake and have to start again.


• If you go too slowly you'll never score.


• A good start is essential.


• You'll get knocked back more times than you care to remember, but just click the happy face and start again each time.


• Trust your instincts, but be wary of guesswork - your guesses are wrong more times than they are right.


• Nobody's interested in your fastest times, no matter what you think.


• Playing with cold hands is no good at all.


• Often you'll find yourself losing for no good reason. The game can be unfair and totally unjust - exactly like Minesweeper.


• If you start with a bad hand it's better to give up and end on good terms, whilst the face is still smiling.


• Winning once does not mean that you will win again the next time you play.


• The harder levels are more satisfying than the easy level, and last longer. However, you'll get knocked back more often.


• You can get in trouble with little more than a slip of your finger.


• You have to concentrate hard all the time, and the moment you stop concentrating is the moment you lose. Having said that, concentrate too hard and you might take longer than is generally considered acceptable, especially on the easy level.


• People will feel uncomfortable if you sit and stare, with your mouth open and your tongue sticking out (even if it's just because you're concentrating hard).


• When you guess and you're right, or you don't immediately lose, it can feel terrific.


• Minesweeper suggests monogamy - one game at a time is enough for any man. Also, 1 is the best number in Minesweeper; sixes and sevens are uncommon but curiously they're quite exciting so maybe Minesweeper is really suggesting that you become a swinger whilst remaining faithful to your partner.


• Practicing on your own is healthy - but will it make you blind if you do it too much?


• Eventually you will tire of Minesweeper and take up a different hobby. Alternatively, you will start looking for more extreme versions of Minesweeper - be wary of this fetishisation, as it could get creepy.

The right person could quite easily pad this out to thesis level - any takers?